Have I mentioned that I love state holidays? I spent all day Monday watching a Dog Whisperermarathon on the National Geographic Channel. Hey…don’t judge me. I’ve got two seriously neurotic dogs! My chocolate lab, Molly, has never met a food that she didn’t like. No, seriously–she eats turnip greens and bananas. Name one other dog that you’ve seen eat those things. As a result, she’s…well…overweight. To say the least. Originally acquired to assist my ex with duck hunting, she was kicked out of training because she is scared of birds. Birds people! She’s a freakin Labrador Retriever!!! Labs are known as great duck hunting dogs because of their ability to retrieve and love of water. The only thing Molly will retrieve is food…and occasionally a toy. (Not that I should be that surprised, her brother, my dad’s lab, is afraid of water).
Molly is a force to be reckoned with. Imagine Marley on crack with twice the phobias. To name just a few: fear of birds, grocery sacks, vacuum cleaners, my elliptical, bicycles, cats, trash bags, hair clips, stairs and last, but certainly not least…the grooming brush. Break out the brush and she runs for cover. This is a dog who ATE, yes ate, two entire legs of a coffee table as a puppy. Several years ago when I had first moved into my house, Molly’s collar got caught on a knob of my bedroom dresser and in an effort to save herself from the monster that had captured her, she broke apart my bedroom door frame and ran down the hall with the dresser still attached and ping-ponging its way off my walls down the hallway behind her. Sheetrock had to be patched, the door frame had to be replaced and walls had to be cleaned from her having the crap literally scared out of her. Not a pretty sight.
And to give you an idea of her size…two summers ago I came home from work to find that Molly had crawled under my deck to seek a cool spot to lay and had gotten stuck. Keep in mind, I have a dog door so the dogs can come and go as they please in and out of the house and fenced in backyard. She was too large to turn herself around and too large to crawl through to the other side. To free her, my dad had to dismantle a section of my deck–then put it back together once she was safe. Comical yes, practical no. And don’t even get me started on my pit bull who thinks he’s a yorkie. Zeus has the attitude of a prissy lap dog at a whopping 85-90 lbs. He is Jeremy’s baby and cuddle buddy. He does not like to get his paws dirty, so we bought him shoes for when he goes outside in the rain. He does not like mornings, so we leave the lights off in the living room and stumble around the house of a morning trying to get ready for work. He does not like regular dry dog food, so every evening I feed them special dog food with flavors like filet mignon and lambchop. So I guess you could say that we cater to him.
But in addition to a diva personality, Zeus still acts like a puppy. Despite the fact that he is 4 and Molly is 5, you would think he is 1 and she is 10. And lately the cold weather has kept us from doing much outside activity with the dogs, so Zeus has developed ways to entertain himself indoors. This is where Cesar’s help would be greatly appreciated. Zeus has discovered that when Molly is laying about 2-3 feet from the couch, she is a perfect springboard for him to jump on the couch without having to use much effort. It’s a habit I’m desperately trying to break…but it’s so funny at the time that it’s difficult to discipline him for it. I’ve learned to watch for the signs. When he tilts his head, looks from Molly to the couch and from the couch back to Molly, then hunches low to the floor…you know it’s about to happen. What happens next is a move straight from the Beijing Olympics. In one swift leap he runs, launches off Molly and onto the couch, perfectly poised for a pat on the head. Instead, he gets a thump on the nose and told to get down. Another favored game of his is what I like to call “cow tipping.” Zeus likes to stalk a sleeping Molly from the hallway, and just as she awakens from a nap and rises to her feet, he runs full force to broadside her, which in turn knocks her completely off her feet. Great move for a linebacker…not for an aging dog whose breed is prone to hip and joint issues later in life.
So go ahead…laugh at me for spending an entire day off watching The Dog Whisperer. But you must at least acknowledge the fact that I am trying to master my domain in a home with a neurotic labrador, a diva pit bull and a boyfriend who dotes on the bad behavior of both. Cesar I may never be, but you can’t blame a girl for trying 